We're getting down to the wire for the Christmas concert. There are only 3 weeks left and I'm going to be out of town for a week. Sunday I found out that the first full rehearsal with the choir will be on my birthday next Monday. So we are going to cut our trip short and try to get back in time by making the whole approximately 12 hour drive on my birthday leaving out at 6 am and trying to arrive just in time for the 6 pm practice.
Last night I drove to my "section leader" Ron's house for some extra trombone practice. I needed his help figuring out what some of the fast tricky sections are supposed to sound like. We even managed to keep up with the music on the CD.
I realized last night that even when he says we are sounding better or makes any kind of positive statement I mentally reject it. I also realized that I react that way any time anyone gives me a compliment or says I'm doing something well. I think it's one of those hold overs from childhood. If you're told enough times that you can't do anything right then you eventually become convinced of it. It's sad because although I reject it, I also desperately crave those "pats on the back". I usually remember exactly what someone said or wrote about me and dwell on it for days. One nice compliment or word of encouragement can completely make my day. So, I'm going to try to tell that interior voice to be quiet and take encouragement with a positive attitude.
One thing is certain, I am improving on my trombone and I absolutely love playing. I get to contribute to worshiping God using the very gift He gave me. Even on Sunday mornings when I arrive exhausted and grumpy, playing in the praise band does a 180 on my mood. I can't help smiling and tapping my feet and that positive feeling carries over into the rest of the day.